House Report 20: How to (not) sell your house

Saturday, 22 April

Our house has been on the market for over six weeks now and it has not sold. I am beginning to think that it never will! It is quite a strain actually, we have to make sure that it is show-worthy every day even if nobody comes to see it - which has been the case 99% of the time, there has been very little interest in a 2 bedroom house. Not really surprising but it is dragging on rather.

So here are my top tips on how to survive selling your house:


1. Get rid of all your bean bags. We have a big giant red bean bag that lives in the front room. Except these days it doesn't. The realtor said it didn't show well and to get rid of it. So for the last six weeks it has been in the boot of my car. It barely fits. Anytime one of the kids opens the boot by mistake (which has happened several times) I have to spend at least 10 minutes punching it down and then running away while simultaneously slamming the boot, or the boot won't close on it. I look so ridiculous.

2. Buy a bigger car. I can barely fit the kids in my car. Every Saturday the realtor holds an open house, so every Saturday I load up the car with any valuables that don't fit in the safe, a box of personal documents (taxes etc) that don't fit in the safe, an oboe, a bassoon, a couple of violins, Jeff's work bag, Jeff's laptop, all the portable electronic devices that we own, the camera, all the kids' backpacks, and anything else that may have been sitting out as we were leaving. We look like we're going camping, there is that much stuff in the car. Of course it would not be so bad if there wasn't already a giant bean bag stuffed into the boot... and then we drive around town looking like the Beverly Hillbillies. We are stuffed to the gills in that car. If a door opens something will roll out, I'm just usually glad that it is a thing and not a kid.

3. Don't go to the doctor. Don't go near a doctor's office, not even for routine stuff. Because if you do there is a good chance that they will have to take your blood pressure about five times each visit and ask you if you're under any kind of strain at home.

4. Get rid of all your kids' toys. Each week as the house hasn't sold we try and think about what we can do to make it look better, ie more spacious. And each week we go into the kids' room and take away some more of their things. I'm surprised that there are even beds left in there at this point. Books, toys, and stuffed animals have all been packed away. I may start taking their clothes away if the house doesn't sell soon.

5. Stop eating. Or at least, stop shopping. This way your cupboards and pantry look organised and spacious, instead of crammed full. The trouble with this approach is that after about three weeks in, there's nothing to eat and planning for dinner (which is never my strong suit even when the cupboards are full) becomes seriously problematic. The kids are so desperate for breakfast cereal they're even eating the plain Cheerios they've rejected with disgust for the last six months that they've been sitting in the pantry.

This had all better be worth it, and soon!

On the plus side, the kids all make their beds to military inspection standard every day. They say it takes 28 days for something to become a habit, so I'm hopeful that they are all now in the habit of making their beds every day, and even when we finally sell the house, I hope that this continues!